Followed a couple of crumb trails around the web regarding coffee and found there is NOTHING that I do right as far as coffee goes. I was checking on all this stuff because my husband’s a bit of a coffee snob. When I hear his alarm go off each morning, I head for the kitchen to make another pot of coffee for him with fresh ground beans. We don’t keep them in the freezer; that’s a no-no, they’re kept in a cool, dark cabinet. At least, I think it’s dark, it’s too small for me to get in there and close the door and test it.
Me, on the other hand–I’m kind of the opposite of a snob, a coffee commoner, if you will. For those who genuinely love black coffee, made with fresh ground beans, read no more… be gone! I have nothing else to say to you. For those who stayed, here’s the recipe for the perfect cup of coffee for those of us who want (need, crave, jones for) the caffeine without the bitter taste of actual coffee. We also don’t want the caloric load of the lattes, etc., at the big coffee chains.
So, brew any kind of cheap coffee you want–I use the Walmart coffee that comes in the bricks. I know it’s had the vast majority of the air removed, or it wouldn’t be bricklike, so it should, technically, be the freshest-tasting of the ground coffees. Not that I care, ’cause, by the time I’m done, the coffee is actually going to taste like it smells, no matter when it was ground.
Disclaimer: I can’t say “don’t do this at home,” because other than hotel room dinky coffee makers, and work, the only place you could make coffee is at home. And if you do weird stuff to your coffee at work, they look at you funny. If you do decide to risk it and follow the recipe below, it as at your own risk. You’ve been warned. Seriously. Stop it! Put the tablet DOWN.
Coffee Commoner’s Calorie-Crunching Coffee
- If you forgot to turn the program on last night to have your coffee maker start brewing before you wake, stumble around the kitchen to find the ground coffee, then the filters. After you’ve beaten them into submission and finally got one single filter in the coffee maker’s basket, put in your desired amount of ground coffee. For me, it’s 4 tablespoons for a 12-cup coffee maker. This makes my bestie’s head explode, she uses half as much. So, make it like you ordinarily would.
- Wash the cup you used yesterday, since you forgot to do the dishes last night as well.
- Do NOT give into the temptation to fill your cup while it’s still brewing. I don’t KNOW why, I think it may just be my OCD kicking in. Lord help me, AADD and OCD combined mean that it makes me crazy when it’s not done right, but not for very long. Squirrel!
- Fill a 20-oz cup with coffee to approximately 3/4 full. If you’re using an 8 to 12-oz cup, what is wrong with you?
- Add one tablespoon of powdered creamer, any kind.
- Add one teaspoon of vanilla (I use the $1.09 bottle of imitation vanilla, yes, from Walmart). STOP! put that measuring spoon back and eyeball it for God’s sake. It’s too early in the morning to be measuring more stuff! Please note, I actually leave an old tablespoon measure in the coffee, and in the creamer, but for buck-a-bottle vanilla, you can skip the measuring spoon.
- Add three Splenda (or the Great Value equivalent, which is what I use) or two or one or none. I like my coffee sweet.
- Add one-quarter cup of cold, unsweetened, vanilla-flavored Almond Breeze Almond Milk (the one that says 30 or 40 calories a serving on the front). This is the only one where a brand name is necessary, I’ve tried the rest, this is best. I buy the shelf-stable version, as shown at right, and always have three or four on hand. Oddly enough, you find it on the snacks aisle at Walmart; don’t know why.
- Microwave instructions: Your microwave may vary from mine – in mine (not in yours) I microwave the now full 20oz coffee cup for 20-30 seconds to bring it to MY comfortable drinking temperature.
- Drink it. I drink mine through a milkshake straw (the unbendy kind, which I seriously have to order from Amazon, can’t find them in any store). The straw is the reason why I only put my coffee in the microwave for 30 seconds. If I just opened a new box of almond milk, and it’s not cold, I only put my coffee in the microwave for 20-25 seconds. Otherwise, it’s like lava through a straw. You have been warned. Neither I, nor the management, nor the owners of this blog site are responsible if you don’t
So, for a total of 40 calories, and a total cost of maybe eight cents a cup, you have something that tastes better than most lattes (no burnt taste from the espresso beans), and doesn’t mess with your digestion like lattes made with real milk, which 60 percent of us can’t digest comfortably. It also doesn’t screw around with your hormones like lattes made with soy. And, it requires a $20 coffeemaker, not a $100 machine with specialized coffee pods, which costs approximately ten times as much per cup. The other optiion, of course is BigBucks CrackCoffee lattes, which cost approximately 50 times as much, and can have up to ten times the calories, plus the aforementioned caveats. You also don’t have to learn another language to get what you want.
Last note, if you really are calorie-crunching, you can leave off the powdered creamer and it will be ten calories per cup. I’m not sure what it adds, but I know when I don’t add it, I don’t like the taste as much.
So, if it is early morning where you are, cheers to you, my fellow caffeine addict…raise your Walmart coffee cup to a world that allows each of us to fix our coffee just exactly like we like it.
Rock on wit yo bad self, you caffeine addict…