There is still part of me that can’t believe I’m typing this in my home state. It’s having to listen to the sparkly, fun-loving, oddly perky part of my mind, which is saying “Woo-hoo! South Texas for the winter, no schedule, no worries, no stress! Hot damn!”
The part of me that can’t believe it is the more sedate part of my psyche–I call her Ethel. She thinks the sparkly one (Brittany) is an idiot. They are the ant vs. grasshopper, tortoise vs. hare, live-forever vs. live-for-now stratifications in my brain that share a common border, but seldom talk to each other.
If nothing else, I have once again proved to myself that Texas is a part of who I am, not just the people, as I’ve always thought, but the state and state of mind that is Texas. And yes, I know that’s annoying to those who are not denizens of the Lone Star State.
But for me, I’ve lived more than half my life outside the boundaries of this amazing place, and it simply doesn’t change the reality. When I cross the Red River (or the Sabine, or the Rio Grande), into Texas, my spirits lift, and even in some very dark hours, my light has always shone brighter here than anywhere else.
So, for now, I’ll listen to the sparkly one, and enjoy the days to come… Cor already has a lead on a job–may turn into nothing, or may lead us back up to West Texas. We’d be apart more; the job would push him out to the distant oil rigs for days and sometimes weeks at a time. But, if it’s not right, then it’s not right, and we’ll continue our search. Whatever happens, we know how to make the best out of most any situation, and whatever happens, we’ll be in Texas. For now, that’s enough.
I fulfilled my last obligations to my former employer, Cisco, yesterday. I want to say that’s given me closure–but that’s not the truth. The third and final strata in the murkier parts of my head is the one who owns the infinite loop of blame, regret, darkness–“if I had only,” “If I could have done it better,” “If I had just kept my mouth shut,” “If I had just done A or B or C.” It makes Ethel look quite cheerful and bouncy. I call it Dexter, which will be funny to some of you. Luckily, Brittany has at least nine lives, so she just pops back up and goes rabbiting on.
Ah, pardon me, but I must go. Brittany is leading the “gimme a T, gimme an E, gimme an X-A-S!” cheer. Ethel has a stick.